If Duke Nukem was British.

Punch-Out!! on the Wii has just been released after a 14 year hiatus for the series. We’ve been waiting a long time for the punctuation-happy title to come out and a lot has changed in that time. Some guy was president and isn’t anymore and there’s been cows and chickens and pigs getting sick.

Racism has changed too. Stereotyping was in and then it wasn’t and then PC was in and then it wasn’t but really it was and has stuck with us even to this day. So while the squeaky clean Wii and its version of Punch-Out!! is safe, clean wholesome fun (or subtler/sillier with their delivery. Check out Gamesradar’s recent feature to see what I’m talking about), the earlier iterations of the series weren’t so racially sensitive.

I could get into a big article here about the history of Punch-Out!! and the reasons why the homogeneous Japanese find things like blackface and stereotyping legitimate forms of comedy but that wouldn’t be as fun as a top 5 list, now would it?

So in the spirit of offensive caricatures from the original Punch-Out!!s like Italy’s Pasta Pizza, Russia’s Vodka Drunkenski (changed to Soda Popinski from the transition from arcade to NES: but not completely however) and Canada’s own Bear Hugger here are the top 5 offensive new characters that didn’t make it into Punch-Out!! Wii.

El Nacho

From: Piedras Nachas, Mexico

Age: 32

Ranked: Named-After-Food-and-Drink Circuit #3

Weight: 180 lbs

Interesting Fact: Doesn’t actually like Nachos.

Quote: My feest is going to be a nacho libre grande Senor! Ah chihuaha, I know more Mexican than just words for food… what do you mean stick to the screept? Hey, let me go…”

El Nachos' dirty little secret?

Tea Bagger

From: London, England

Age: 23

Ranked: Named-After-Food-and-Drink Circuit #1

Weight: 140 lbs

Interesting Fact: Loves to play Halo 3.

Quote: “Jolly right, are you ready for good whipping Guverna?”

An artist's rendition of Tea Bagger.

Tommy Hawk

From: Ledyard, USA

Age: 37

Ranked: Minorly Offensive Circuit #4

Weight: 213 lbs

Interesting Fact: Is suing Turok and Domasi Tawodi and T. Hawk for stealing his image that he claims to have had first.

Quote: The Great Spirit will guide me to boxing your face in!”

NOT Tommy Hawk.

Sven Hammerrape

From: Hell, Norway

Age: 27

Ranked: Majorly Offensive Circuit #3

Weight: 220 lbs

Interesting Fact: Actually prefers pilfering over pillaging.

Quote: “I wills burns all your childrens and rape alls your huts withs my hammers ins the rings!”

Rhymes with 'crammer-drape'

!xobile the Cannibal

From: Some tribal place, Africa

Age: Unknown

Ranked: Worldly Offensive Circuit #2

Weight: Unknown (Apparently can eat his own weight in human)

Interesting Fact: Pronounces ‘Punch-Out!!’ with two clicks at the end.

Quote: “Na see gawan no !! sadaz !! !!! !! eat ! !!! !! !! nagora b!a!b!y!”