Yahtzee's take on E3.

“HEY GAMING FANS…

Here we are, back at the E3 arena with Eightywithout’s eighty things coming to E3 that are without merit.”

“Yes Bob, the up and comer from Canada is back with more random guesses to boggle your mind. Now, he’s got some stiff competition from opponents that actually have done their homework for this monumental event so he’s going to have to bring it all together for this second round.”

“Stan, you couldn’t be more right if you were on a right machine. Other competitors have been using ‘facts’ and ’some semblance of reality’ for their predictions but Eighty w/o is hoping to sway judges over to his side through some stream of consciousness and copious amounts of links.”

“Well, the bane of all who wish, that’d be Wishbane, is giving a grand showing with his sharp predictions that permeate the pulp pulsating from our precocious industry. And lets not forget team Joystiq’s old, old school approach of using a board game for coverage.”

“Hold your horses there, my friend. You seem to be forgetting another Canadian powerhouse, Paul ‘The Hunter’ Hunter’s well thought out impersonation of Nostradamus for E3 has proven to be a big hit with the fans. Even the Future wanted to get ahold of him.”

“Eightywithout looks ready Bob, so I say we quiet down and see what his next twenty revelations will hold…”

20. 19 more DLC packs are announced for Fallout 3. Bethseda promises that 60% of them will work upon launch.

21. Fallout 1 and 2 find their way back to the wasteland on Xbox Live and PSN.

22. DLC for Fallout 1 and 2 is teased.

23. Someone gets lost in the L.A. Convention Centre.

Just like an old school maze game.

24. Dan Akroyd attends the conference to promote Ghostbusters 3 the game. Once again he gets thousands of fans giddy by talking about a movie of the same name that hopefully will come out before E3 2012.

25. An updated version of Vavatron by Casey Staubach, Will Wright and Chris Taylor is displayed in L.A. Convention Centre’s washroom. This time around, there are no Yakuza.

26. A group of Chrono Trigger enthusiasts pour into E3 and manage to show off their 8 year long project of a new CT. Members of a growing audience cheer and cry and one woman faints. The execs at Square Enix are so moved by the gesture that they have the amateur team that created the breathtaking videos and trailers killed quickly rather than a slow, agonizing death.

27. A reliable source finds out that square is working on a sequel to Final Fantasy IV on a Japanese only mobile phones. Fans that don’t understand kanji are told to wait until E3 2010.

28. Squeenix pushes farther into the casual market with Petz: Chocoboz.

Grooming fictious animals? What will they think of next?

29. A PS3 accidentally falls during the Playstation press conference. This is the only drop that the systems sees during the conference.

30. Hunters sponsored by the Cabela’s organization are sent to hunt furries for material for the next ‘Dangerous Hunts’ game.

31. The release date for Half-Life 3 is said by Valve to reached its half-life.

32. More tweaks and videos are announced for Team Fortress 2 via Steam. Fans get ready to rabidly hate the changes to their favourite characters (except the Medic, everyone’s given up on him) and universally praise the videos.

33. Left 4 Dead gets an add-on entitled “Zombies 8 Your Neighbors”

34. KOEI decides to forgo the mentioning of the next Dynasty Warriors. They know that players don’t need trailers nor big announcements to tell them that nothing has changed since 1998 because they’ll buy it anyway.

35. Not only is Duke Nukem Forever displayed, but it is also released worldwide making the Take-Two/3D Realms fiasco the greatest PR stunt in the history of mankind.

36. A microphone peripheral is unveiled for Kingdom Hearts III as the entire game is somehow a musical… on ice.

Just Imagine Squall and Cloud in there…

37. Two mysterious fighters, a ‘Ken’ and a ‘Ryu’, appear in a teaser trailer for Street Fighter 5. While no gameplay is shown, it is confirmed by Capcom that it will not be in 3D.

38. The plot and a few screen shots for the new Resident Evil are shown. This time Carlos Oliveira finds himself tracking Umbrella to the North Pole and then encountering Polar Bears of the running-dead persuasion.

39. The A&E Network decides to try its hand in historically accurate games with Operation Anaconda. Thought to be a remake of an old NES game initially, but is really an attempt to look ‘objectively’ at the War in Afghanistan trough the medium of video games. Unfortunately for A&E, they are largely unaware of another attempt to tackle a recent conflict in game form.

40. Sony and SOGA announce the inclusion of characters from Kung Pow: Enter the Fist for there MMO fighter Kung Fu Hustle. The whole thing is promoted by having models dressed up as giant tongues with big goggly eyes attached. Why these two companies decide to do this for a game only meant for China at a North American convention remains a mystery.

“What a showing! Well Bob, looks like we’re going to have to wait for part 3 to see who makes it to the semi-finals of this monstrous event. Check back here tomorrow for more non-stop action!”