Yahtzee's take on E3.

In about 12 hours, E3 will officially be underway and all the legitimate vg news orgs will be there. That obviously means that I will not. One day, dear friends, one day. However, tomorrow I will be presenting the final installment of Eightwithout’s eighty things coming to E3 that are without merit. I will be posting it early in the morning so it probably will not make any sense. Cake will be served but that’s kind of hard over a blog so I’ll have to eat it all. I love tasty mornings.

So yeah, keep an eye out for that. Tomorrow. Part 4. Man, I feel like I’m forgetting something. But honestly, weren’t parts one and two great? The 2D gag in the first installment and then the classic sports announcer opening for the second. Those were some good times. I know the very last one will be the best. Well see you then!

*Walks off into distance.*

Hey, why aren’t you guys going? Am I missing something? Well, I’ll… ah, fuggit. Enough with this charade. Lets do the tango of three lads and gents:

41. Alan Wake’s trailer consists only of text from his journal, with a few spelling mistakes and and some entries ending with a smiley.

42. Quantic Dream decides to showcase how lifelike Heavy Rain is by having a choose-your-own-adventure theatre piece based on part of the game’s script. The results are disastrous.

43. The reveal of The Casting Couch trailer proves that Quantic Dream is also working on another project. The Casting Couch is not the actual project, but a complete mini-movie that is inspired by their next game. Various media sources start to speculate that the game revolves completely on realistic characters having sex with intricately designed QTE based on the trailer.

44. XSEED performs yet another localization miracle and nabs a Japanese DS title that is so old school that Nethack went to this school to be released in North America.

45. Tactics Ogre: In the Lap of the Gods is confirmed by Atlus to be in production. The game will take place before Ogre Battle and will finally show fans what happened before episode 4… I mean 5.

46. A slew of kids titles are shown by various companies. A collective groan comes from all video game reviewers.

47. After critical success from InFAMOUS, Sucker Punch leaks out information for Sly Cooper 4. Details are scarce, but apparently Sly will now have super powers and be able to choose a path between good-at-heart-thief-who-in-actuality-is-breaking-the-law or mass-murdering-rabid-feral-beast.

Not so sly...

48. LucasArts says some stuff and shows some moving pictures of Star Wars: Battle Front III when they really should be returning to adventure games!

49. Stainless Games shows off an almost finished demo version of Magic: the Gathering – Duels of the Planeswalkers. Observant gamers notice that acquiring new mana requires microtransactions and cards bought only last one game.

50. A new, family-friendly trailer of The Saboteur is viewed by many in attendance. It happens to be three minutes of one big blur.

Best. Trailer. Ever.

51. Eidos gives away a few hints about their re-re-re-re-retconing of the Tomb Raider during a closed door event. They once again promise that ‘fans will be happy with the new, improve Lara Croft.‘

52. Janitors of the L.A. Convention Centre find their mops when everyone finds out what the exhibitor Playwet is promoting (link NSFW.

53. GoW 3 will is shown to feature Norse and Japanese mythological beasts because Kratos has killed everyone in the Greek Pantheon.

54. GoW 3 is mistaken for GoW 3 by someone in attendance.

55. A post-Itagaki Team Ninja say that his absence will have no affect on the quality of Ninja Gaiden Σ 2. They prove this by revealing that the new, enhanced version of NGII will be impossible. Literally.

56. A game featuring a new, strong, sexy, independant, killer, skimpy, slutty female protagonist will be revealed by some company at the event.

57. A game featuring a new, emotionally detatched, gravely, helmet wearing, machismo, tragic-story-induced, sociopathic will be revealed by some company at the event.

58. Fatal1ty is courted by Amped, Gatorade and Bawls energy drink brands during the convention. Anyone associated with the Wheaties stays far away.

59. Representatives from the Nordic Game Conference attend E3 looking for pluralization.

60.  The cross promotional deal between Brütal Legend and Roadie Music Game Gear is detailed by Electronic Arts and is ceremoniously given devil horns by fans in attendance.

Final stretch tomorrow people so come back already!