The thoughts I dare not speak

May contain Trigger-warning-material Sometimes thoughts goes through my head that I am unable to share with close ones or just don´t dare to say. But I know I will feel better if I get them out somehow so this is the place for me to ventilate and get it out. It can be up and it can be down.

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5 year Geek-anniversary

Jessica
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I got a new shiny microbadge today: Microbadge: 5 Year Geek Veteran
5 years on the Geek. It is hard to believe it has been that long. So much have happened (both good and bad) and what a ride it has been so far. I look forward to more years in the company of you lovely people here.

So how are things with me? Busy but fine. The last seven weeks has been so filled with exercise (6 days a week), healthy food and good deeds (volunteering at a shopping service for covid-riskgroups) that I at times wonder where this energetic goody Two-shoe came from and what I need to do to prevent her from taking over completely... But then I had a beer and realised I am still the same - I just haven´t had the energylevels I needed to look beyond my closests needs and be able to help others again. And it feels great to once again contribute in more ways than just keeping health-care-workers employed. I even lost 6 kg doing it which will make my doctor very happy.

I have kept playing Dungeons & Dragons (5th Edition) every Tuseday. My son plays with us every other week and the other week we will start another campaign so he don´t have to miss anything in the future. Also - that will be a character-driven campaign (as a difference to the dungeon-crawling Mad Mage-campaign we are currently playing). I really look forward to the new one and have created a great character for it that I look forward to playing. He is a fighter - but destined to be a sorcerer and an unwilling such - so the sorcery-skills will be out of his control (in the hands of our GM) and it will force it´s way into his life with all the interesting events and beliefs that can cause.

We also started playing through Gloomhaven. We haven´t gotten that far yet but so far it feels a bit like playing Descent but better given none have to take the role as GM.

I have also fallen in love with a VR-version offered at our local VR-center. I was not convinced before trying but it turned out it really felt like flying a mech and defending targets and places when the jetpack starts vibrating and rotating. So this is my new way of rewarding myself when I do good. (for a trailer see: Flying VR by Nordic Amusement Group AB on youtube).

From gallery of busdjur


Play by forum has also been a thing. I still have not been able to finish something lasting more than a month as a participant (they have either not really finished, where to short, are still running or I am the GM). But I look forward to doing so one day.

So what have you been up to lately? And how long have you been on the Geek?

jessica
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Sat Sep 5, 2020 1:18 pm
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Christmas feelings...

Jessica
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No - this is not about some weird Christmas in July-thing. It is about me passing the casting process and getting a ticket for a LARP (Live Action Roleplaying game) called Midwinter next year. So this Midwinter I will take upon myself the role of a "happy" elf in Santas workshop for a few days...

Midwinter homepage wrote:
Midwinter is a Nordic larp about the ultimate form of patriarchal capitalism: Santa's Workshop — and the jolly elves who toil there. It is a dystopian machine churning out toys and distorting age-old legends of Christmas.

The true stories of the elves have been silenced and forgotten. Rigid corporate policies dictate everything from caroling to candy canes and mandatory jollity inspections. Everyone wears a happy smile while keeping themselves busy — anything else would be a sign of serious indiscretion and idleness.

Memories of heartfelt joy and laughter, spirited work and play, and restful sleep with a full stomach are nothing but a dream. A dangerous dream. A naughty dream.


Webpage: https://www.midwinter.christmas/


I will belong to the most emotional families, the ones who sing the loudest and whose smiles are widest. But I am also the seeker of truths - the one asking all the questions no matter how dangerous... Reading through my character concept I can not help feeling my character is in many ways a clone of the "Cindy Lou Who"-character from the "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"-movie... just not with a happy ending in sight...

I am so excited! This is gonna be an awesome experience and I really look forward to it already.

Merry Christmas!

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Wed Jul 29, 2020 10:59 pm
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Up, up, up and away

Jessica
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One and a half month since last post. Have it really been that long? And have it not been longer? It feels like so much has happened but still it feels like nothing has...

After my last post I got a beautiful gift. From a mother to another... Someting to ensure I could eat healthy and have energy to take care of myself and my son. So that is what I have done and things in my life has worked over all my expectations since...

Ok. Not all the time - but most of it. I might have had a serious dip - one where I was feeling all empty inside, looking at the walls and not having energy for anything. And then crying my eyes out over what I had let my body evolve to without doing anything about it... It might have been that three weeks in a row with my son here was a bit more than I had energy levels for. At least with COVID going on and the intense situation when you are somewhat close up on each other for 24 hours a day... But.. it passed quickly and I don´t feel I need to worry about that happening again anytime soon. Just a year back that state would have stayed for weeks... Now it was only days..

I got an iron infusion. The doctor said the iron pills I´ve been taking the last two years are not enough for my body to reach normal levels. And I´ve felt energetic since. Not at all the tired wreck I felt like before. And that level of energy has stayed.

My son is happy!
Classlist for next year is announced - a third of the class is kept intact and then teenagers from the other classes are added. He got to keep all his close friends in the same class as him. Really good given how worried he has been over loosing them.
We have spent valuable summer break-time roleplaying, videogaming and talking and have had a great time with little in terms of obligations. Two nice birthday celebrations (mine and his) and we will have another week of summer break together before he is off back to school again in August.

I had an increase in thrill for gaming again. Chatting with a few geeks and doing some boardgaming online and the nice games I´ve received lately really helped. It feels good because I tend to have periods of being one of those gamers that talk a lot about games, have a lot of them but don´t play them enough to feel worthy the title of geek/gamer. Not to mention the fact that it is fun! Especially so when you have someone to play with.

I got some more testing done on my asthma and allergies - new medicines and the annoying snot I´ve had for 1,5 year is now gone. And so is the yellow goo that used to fill my eyes in the morning. And even though the asthma in itself is not under control (worse even) I feel likw my health is so much better than it has been for a long time.
From gallery of busdjur

Energy also means energy enough for exercise. I started with some walks and bicycle rides trying to take things slow. I might not be the best at that slow thing... Yesterday I finished an event that had me go marching every day for four days in a row. Due to covid they held an alternative version of the International Four Day Marches. The big march that I´ve struggled with completing the last seven years or so. Now I could do it at home and choose a shorter distance. So I walked 20 km/day - which is half the discance of the regular event - but that is a lot longer than I have marched for a long time now. Especially given I spent all winter on crutches and most of spring isolated at home. I actually wasn´t sure I´d make it. But I did and a shiny new medal will be mine.

From gallery of busdjur


And a day later I still feel fine. How is your summer?

j
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Sat Jul 25, 2020 11:26 pm
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Making a hard choice

Jessica
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My zombie-like state is still a thing. I wake up snotty after only a few hours sleep (like 2-4) with an itchy nose and throat and eyes filled with yellow goo. My asthma goes full throttle and this whole thing is slowly getting worse. It takes an hour of sitting up and blowing my nose before I´m back to "normal" and can make another try at sleeping. So I fall asleep sitting on the couch and in front of my computer... with the added problem of pains in back and body due to uncomfortable sleeping positions.

An open window helps with the sleeping - so the only thing I can be sure of right now is that it isn´t something outside causing this.

I´ve gotten no new flowers, no change in cleaning products or food. No new investments in things to the household otherwise. I have changed pillow, sheet and linen, dusted and vacuum cleaned my room and mattress but see only a minor improvement afterwards.

Yes - it is indeed time to see a doctor and figure out what this is about. But with the pandemic going on the allergy section, also responsible for anything regarding lungs and lungfunction, is overwhelmed with more important matter. Vaccum your sleeping are and mattress three times a week and contact us if there isn´t a release after using your meds...

Monday my mattress broke. The wooden bars underneath didn´t hold up and I fell halfway through the matress. And when doing something about it (fixing it and putting the mattress on the floor so I don´t fall through and can sleep until I can afford a new one) my vaccum cleaner overheated. And it now blows the fuse if I try to connect it.

With summer break coming up (staycation but still more expensive than school-weeks), a tight month financially due to unexpected expenses this whole thing caused me to make a hard choice today. Buy food or get myself a vaccum cleaner....

No, of course I´m not going to starve over a vaccum cleaner. There is food in my cupboards. My child can eat all daily meals (including snacks) when he is here and I probably don´t have to skip more than maybe a meal every other day for a two week period.

And yes - as you suspected I got myself a vaccum cleaner (nothing fancy - we´re talking the cheapest possible "$20"-kind). I know it is not the best given my health and all but I´ve skipped meals before and I know I can manage for a shorter period of time. Two weeks of sleep working worse than now however I´m not sure I can handle. And with both me and my son being asthmatic a home without a vaccum cleaner is really a no go.

Otherwise life is good. The Play by Forums I´m in are great, I have interesting games to play, books to read, lots of time (no one wants to take on a trainee at this time) and new interesting people in my life. We have had a few riots in Sweden too when Black Life Matters-demonstrations was overtaken by troublemakers but the one in my town was in the cental parts and did not affect my isolation.

Also - I got the opportunity to participate in a WRAP-workshop (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) online. This seems to be a great tool that I´ve already put into use to make myself feel as good as I can during the circumstances. I wish I´ve investigated this method earlier.

How are you all doing? Are you still on lockdown? Or are you allowed to plan for a vacation/staycation? Is your area safe?

J
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Mon Jun 8, 2020 12:31 am
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I am my kind of Jessica and that is enough

Jessica
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Microbadge: 1 Player Guild - Together We Game AloneMicrobadge: Sometimes, just getting through the day is enough.Microbadge: Pay it ForwardMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: 5 Year Geek Veteran
I´ve tried to write this post three times now. Ended up using the notepad to ensure I did not have to write it all over again because the saved draft suddenly disappeared. So I will cut it a lot shorter than I intended and leave out most of the bad parts. Because this is not a bad day even though I am filled with mixed emotions at the moment.

So this will not include a lot of details about me finally really ending my relationship with that Swiss guy I´ve had a realtionship with a few years or the breaking up with a friend. And I will just shortly mention that I haven´t slept a full night the last two weeks and now stumble around in either an emotionless bubble or so overtired I get hyped about almost anything.

Because this day was a good one.

A few days ago I surprised myself by signing up as a GM for a PlayByForum-game of Everyone is John. I have not played it before (had not even read the rules for it then) but I am inspired and look forward to seeing what they will do with what I present them. I got some nice character-messages today and feel I did the write thing. Also I am more than curious: What would you do if you woke up in a police uniform, standing in front of a lecturn in a room filled with journalists. You have no idea how you got there, who you are, where here actually is and the reporters seems to expect you to say something. I guess it doesn´t get better by having two angry security guards rushing towards you either... cool

I logged in this morning to find targets where assigned for the Secret One Exchange.
I have a target I know of that seems to be really nice. Not one I interacted much with before so I look forward to get to know them more and already have an idea of what to get them.

And then there is the part of getting a gift too. I tend to forget that is a thing and always feel surprised when one of my gifters make contact and feel like telling them not to gift me anything - that I am grateful just for being a part of it all. But this Secret One seems to know me. The button is apparently already pressed and plans are in motion. Oh what a joyful piece of energy they seem to be. The letter I got was wonderful and really lifted my zombielike spirit. heart I think I know who this wonderful being is and I accept. No revenge-gifting from me I promise!

So - what is the header about? That comes from another message I found in my inbox this morning. Lee nominated me for the 1 Player Guild Gaming Awards: Hall of Fame(BGG Users). He thought I was someone who in some way improved solitaire gaming for us all. And somehow I got most votes.
Item for Geeklist "1 Player Guild Gaming Awards: Hall of Fame(BGG Users)"
This is huge. I have struggled with my role in the guild - not really feeling at home for a while. Which is really sad since the Geekdo is my home away from home and has been a safe place during my struggle the last few years. But this made me realise that I shouldn´t - there is a place for me there and somehow the things I do are seen and appreciated. Not only by those with nickname I know - but by strangers that I never heard of before...
So now I feel it - I am not Another Jessica, Not the Secret Jessica, not Just another Jessica. I am me. If me is Jessica or busdjur or whatever does not matter. There is room for more than one Jessica in the guild - so no matter how my thoughts keep telling me otherwise I have not fallen into the shadow or lost my place to a better or different Jessica - I am still me and that is enough.

Maybe it is time to figure out what Jessica I want to be given I stand out enough in a crowd to be more than just another one of all the Jessicas in the 1 Player guild. Who am I to you??

J
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Fri May 1, 2020 10:02 pm
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Christmas wonders and surgery

Jessica
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Microbadge: 1 Player Guild - Together We Game AloneMicrobadge: Sometimes, just getting through the day is enough.Microbadge: Pay it ForwardMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: 5 Year Geek Veteran
The wondrous thing called Christmas has past, the Exchange Calendar-ceremony is over and I´m back to the painfilled thing called ordinary days. I don´t know if I even have ordinary days - sometimes my life feels like a badly written book and all I wait for is to wake up and hear "Hey - did you really believe that crazy stuff was your life? Ha Ha!". It hasn´t happened yet but who knows?!??

Christmas was indeed wondrous in many ways. Precious time with my son, an amazing gift from Auntie Olive and the Secret One gift I had waiting under my tree was even more so. She gifted me something to make up for one of my big gaming-regrets. A game I had to sell when I was under threat of eviction is now mine again and I´ve spent several hours playing it (The 7th Continent). I really missed this game and is so happy to own and play it again. heart

The day before Christmas I decided to jump the PIFF-train again. There was a lovely lady up next that has brought me much joy so the Christmas spirit hit. It felt really good to spoil her and to do so without worry about the cost. And I was PIFFed the cutest thing in return - my very own PIFF-train. (which has been creating its very own Choo Choo given the lady in question decided to redirect her next PIFF to me as an extra thank you so I have yet another gift incoming).

From gallery of busdjur


I love it and it fits really well in my collection of other childish things I have been gifted through the Geek. Yep - I am an overaged child in many aspects so they are perfect for me!

My son got what he wanted for Christmas - his very own VR headset (or more correctly - he got the funds missing to buy one). His dad was very much against it to begin with so my son had to work with him for a few weeks on this. I think it was good for their overall communication to have something non-personal to discuss. Doing research apart and then my son presenting the pros and cons with different ones to his dad before being allowed to buy one. It also changed his fathers mind about a VR headset not offering good exercise. This has made the time spent at his fathers house much calmer and more enjoyable already. It feels so good to see my son look forward to going to his dad again and hearing he and his dad are better at communicating now.
I however might be just a little bit envious of not being able to play. I need to look into updating one of the computers here so he can bring it and let me play too... laugh

-----

I don´t know what my "ordinary days" will bring me this year. Last year they brought me lots of doctors appointments (on the average as many as 4 each month) and I start this year out strong on that matter too. I had the first one of the year Tuesday this week and I have at least one appointment each week for the rest of the month.

First out was the appointment with the Surgeon about my backpains. It feels wrong to write "back" because most of the trouble is in my leg now due to the pressed nerve but that is still where the trouble is. Pain-wise things are better. Pain has not gotten worse as I was afraid of and there is no longer pain all the time. But my leg gives way several times each day so I never know when I can rely on it and when I can not. So I am stuck on crutches all the time now which makes the ordinary day things as cooking and shopping much harder.

As I suspected the recommendation is surgery and I am scheduled for surgery later this month. Hopefully it will make the pain better. Statistics says there is an 80% chance that it will. No, that does not mean 20% gets worse - only a few percent gets worse - most of them just don´t have the expected improvment.

So now I wait again. Next week will bring news on Asthma and allergies. The week after that it is time to extend my sick leave and then surgery. It looks like I will have a busy time ahead. How has your year started?

J.



PIFF = Pay it Forward First (PIFF) — Spreading Board Game Geek Love
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Thu Jan 9, 2020 12:42 pm
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Christmas miracles...

Jessica
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Microbadge: 1 Player Guild - Together We Game AloneMicrobadge: Sometimes, just getting through the day is enough.Microbadge: Pay it ForwardMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: 5 Year Geek Veteran
During the last month I have struggled hard to make new, unexpected and expensive medicines work with a small budget and still afford the necessities for my son and me. I have spent 3200 SEK (340 USD/306 EUR) on medicines and medical supplies which is almost a third of what I get each month (and rent is almost two thirds - you do the math..). My friends covered a third of those medical costs with the fundraiser I mentioned in the blog earlier so thankfully I haven´t been forced to pay the full amount myself but it is still a lot. heart

Our high cost-protection is supposed to kick in at 2300 SEK/year (245 USD/220EUR) but all my medicines are not covered. Although that is the case I am so grateful for the high cost-protection-programs - I could never have done this without it. Not only have I only paid a few percent of my actual medicine-costs but I also haven´t paid anything at all for all the doctors appointments or the MRI performed this month thanks to it (I already reached the max for medical visits this year).

A few days ago however something changed. In November I applied for support from a charity fund for students, sick and poor. I did not think much about it - there are many applying so I seldom get any support. This year however I did. wow So now I have food for the rest of the month (including a few really unnecessary christmas foods just because my son wants them), my son will get something he really wants for Christmas, I have crutches so I can move around a bit easier, I could replace a few broken items in my home that I really needed and I still have some funds left to cover medicines for next month. Yes - I got myself something other than crutches too - I paid it forward by jumping the PIFF-train and PIFF someone a game they ranked 1 on their wishlist. And this awesome guy decided to PIFF me two PnPs that I want - something that I have a hard time doing myself (not having a printer and having some motorical issues) and that means very much to me without it having to cost someone else a lot.

And talking about Christmas miracles - a 1 Player Guild-member sent me a gift that is currently underneath my tree waiting to be opened. "I saw it on your wishlist and I have two and I would love for you to have it". heart And she paid a lot to make sure I did.

And today I picked up a gift from Auntie Olive (my T.O.S.S.E.R.-Santa) (who by the way also paid a lot for the gift to reach me)so I feel truly blessed and spoiled right now.

Yes, I am crying because this is so nice and beautiful and big and I don´t feel like I deserve all this awesomeness.

So who cares I will have to wait until January with meeting the surgeon about my back/leg-pain? I am in the spirit of giving, paying it forward and really looking forward to Christmas for once.

Are you looking forward to Christmas?
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Thu Dec 19, 2019 7:18 pm
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I think I´m getting surgery for Christmas...

Jessica
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Another week with ups and downs. Still tired due to problems sleeping because of pain but I think the childfree week helped given it gave me a chance to sleep when I felt like it without having to consider my sons schedule.

Update on my back/leg-pains:
The MRI-scan that I was to be scheduled for has now been done. I was a bit nervous given it was the first time I did one and it was an overall weird experience in a way. It is one of those things I always felt you only see in the movies unless you´re like fatally ill or so which means I never expected to have to do one. It felt like my leg was twithing all the time so I was convinced I had to redo it like the person before me had to and was happy when I didn´t have to. My ears was wery thankful for that - it was a much more noisy experience than I expected.

The doctor called me today after looking at the scan-results. It is indeed a herniated (slipped) disc in my back pressuring the nerves in my right leg. So now I´m waiting for an appointment with the surgeon to see what the next step will be. Given it is a surgeon (and not a regular doctor, osteopath or physiotherapist) that I am to see I would guess we are talking about surgery. If nothing else because my leg gives way at times which means the pressure on the nerves is bad and might cause serious problems over time. The prescription of Morphine as a painkiller while I wait for that appointment also tells me they expect the pain to get much worse. I am more than happy I don´t need such strong pain relief at the moment.

So it seems my body has decided I´ll be getting surgery for Christmas and the thought of being painfree again sounds like a relief so at the moment this sounds like an awesome gift... meeple

Update on more joyous things:
The wondeful person who decided to become my Secret One sent me a wonderful gift - a copy of Shadowrun: Crossfire. I have been looking on this game for a while so it was a great gift and I hope to find the engergy to play it soon. I also got a geekgold-gift as a thank you from one of the participants. heart I currently only have two people in the exchange that I still haven´t gotten any confirmation of sent gift from so I am pleased.

My son and I participated in the Burreato-challenge during November (eat 30 burritos in one month) and during the week I found out that I won a few of the giveaways/competitions associated with it. My son and I was the first to reach 30 eaten burritos each (after 6 days) and was randomly selected for a geekgold-price so there was an increase in my geekgold for that. Yesterday I was also randomly selected in a drawing for home-made-burritos and won a surprise-gift so there is something incoming... *excited*

Cthanta took the help of a gamestore in Sweden who decided to spoil his surprise for me. So I have a really great RPG-gift to pick up when my body allows me to pick it up.

I decided to participate in the Advent gaming challenge but I haven´t really been up to playing more than once. Gaming is however a joyous part of my days lately through others gaming.

My son and I follow a youtube-series about a Minecraft-server (called Hermicraft) and we often watch videos by the people playing on the server. Due to pains and not being able to move as I´m used to I think I´ve watched everything released during the last week. They are currently running a game of demise on the server (you demise if you die in the game and then join the dead team - last one alive will win) and it is most entertaining. All the living players go through a lot of trouble to try to stay alive (some armour-types are forbidden to make it easier to die) and the dead ones are engaged in trying to cause their demise (pvp is not allowed so we are talking luring monsters to their base, hidden traps and such). They are all very creative so it has been a blast really.

I have also watched a few RPG-videos that I really enjoyed. Changeling: The Lost and KULT: Divinity Lost (4th Edition) mostly but also a few suggestions on which are "the best" ones out there that are not Dungeons & Dragons. I picked up a few more games to my watchlist. Also I joined a RPG-discord for people in my town so hopefully I will find some people there interested in playing the same things as I am.

Little in terms of plans for the week to come. My son will be here and it feels wise to not plan to much at the moment. Do you have anything interesting planned?

J.
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Mon Dec 9, 2019 2:48 pm
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Quick check in from the roller coaster that seems to be my life...

Jessica
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Microbadge: 1 Player Guild - Together We Game AloneMicrobadge: Sometimes, just getting through the day is enough.Microbadge: Pay it ForwardMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: 5 Year Geek Veteran
Just after I posted my last blogpost my friends decided to do a quick fundraiser for me given they know I would not be able to afford the $90-medicines that my doctor prescribed without jumping several meals and skip other important things. So on the train down to Göteborg I was reached by a moneytransfer to cover the cost of my medicines so I could collect them immediatly and didn´t have to wait until Monday. My friends are the best! heart
These new medicines also work a lot better - no more waking up in the middle of the night due to asthma attacks! I still have allergy symptoms but I am so greateful for them not disturbing my sleep. heart

Friday I met Jesberpen at one of the local gamestoores in Göteborg for some talking and gaming. Two rounds of Oh My Goods! later we call it a draw and head of to eat before saying goodbye. Really awesome guy that I hope to spend a lot more time with in the future! (I tried to take some photos of the game we played but they where all blurry).

Saturday to Sunday I was attending the LARP Collateral Emotions (I will make a blogpost about that when I have more energy for it). Great event - memorable and just wow

Monday I get home to find my doctor has prescribed me more medicines. So I had to spend money ("just $80") on medicines anyway. So happy for the earlier help because without it this would have been impossible to cover. We have a system that offers a high cost protection so there is a maximum for what we are supposed to put on medicines each year but sadly that doesn´t cover all the ones the doctors has prescribed for me . Good thing thanks to this however is that I now have my asthma- and hypothyroidism-medicines covered until late August next year! *trying to see the positive side of this disaster*

During the weekend my backpains have wandered down to one of my legs so when back home from Göteborg again I found that I had a hard time moving around and my leg is constantly aching making it very hard to sleep. Given earlier lack of sleep also incresed by the LARP my week has been even more of a mess - lack of sleep, pain, more missed meals, son not feeling so good, trouble with a few things for the exchange I am hosting and just the overall stress of making things work out financially due to all this. Good thing my son wants xbox-games for Christmas so I can buy them online with instant delivery when christmas paycheck comes...

Friday I discovered lots of bruising on my leg that I have no explanation for and that were hard when touched. The pain in the leg now makes it almost impossible for me to move around. I called the medical care hotline for advice and they ordered me to rush to the hospital for checkup. So I spent a few hours friday afternoon waiting for my turn at the hospital.
Check shows none of the suspected blood clots (so grateful for that) but given my packpains on and of since August there might be something wrong with my back (a slipped disc or something pressuring the nervs in the leg) so tomorrow evening I am scheduled for an MRI. So more costs for doctors appointments and guess what - more medicines...

Yeah - really jumping with joy as you might understand. shake My emotions are all over the place due to lack of sleep, pain, frustration and hopelessness at the moment. I am trying to sort things out financially and see the good in the things I do but it is hard. So I´m crying a lot and there was more of that when someone decided to show their gratitude by taking on the role as my Secret One although I am not a participant. heart

I will try to rest up a bit now that I have a child-free week and get to writing that LARP-report but I have a few things to take care of first.

How are you holding up?

J.
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Mon Dec 2, 2019 7:46 pm
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Downs and ups and now I´m off to be taken hostage...

Jessica
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Microbadge: 1 Player Guild - Together We Game AloneMicrobadge: Sometimes, just getting through the day is enough.Microbadge: Pay it ForwardMicrobadge: Citizenship Recognition - Level VI -  Is six any more shiny? ... Well, it's one shinier isn't it? ... Okay, why don't you just make five a bit more shiny and then that would be the most shiny? ... Because these go to six.Microbadge: 5 Year Geek Veteran
Two weeks since last post and those have been a mess. I had another low period; Drained of energy, back-ache (again - third time since august), lacking inspiration and having messed up routines. I´ve had a hard time falling asleep at night, woken up during the night with long time before I fell asleep again and woke early morning just to fall asleep sitting in the sofa in the afternoon. This creating a negative spiral of forgotten/missed meals making me even lower and more tired. Son sick on top of that and forced to buy medicines for him I found myself without money missing both tea and milk (with cupboards otherwise full of food so no worries - we were not starving in any way). Thankfully I have good friends who saved me from the misery after four days without tea...

Preparing for my doctors appointment Tuesday this week I had some blood taken (no passing out this time even though she dabbed me twice *proud*) and did a spirometry. Nurse did a worried "This doesn´t look so good - when is your appointment with the doctor?" which really did not help with the mood. Not that I thought the tests would be good (they haven´t checked my asthma at all during the last five years) but still.

I expected a checkup on my asthma (finally!) but tuesday I met a Doctor who is a Specialist when it comes to allergies.

Doctor: Oh! That doesn't sound or look so good... We need to change your medicine like NOW! You've been on this for five years you say??? *shakes his head* Forget what the earlier doctor said - she doesn't know what she is talking about. This is a serious case!
I will take some more samples, write a prescription for the new medicine, order a testingkit to test things in your home, schedule you for a visit at the nurse, the other doctor and then a follow up with me two months from now to see where we are....


Good thing someone finally listened (and took my "poisoned"-reactions seriosly although the concern in his voice worries me. Expensive medicines was not in my budget but I´ll make it work somehow. I trust him when he says I desperately need them. Especially given my allergy-symptoms has just become worse and worse over the years. He told me that I am to expect to take medicines for this for the rest of my life. (As if I didn´t already do that for my metabolism-problems).

On the uphand I am instructed to ignore the long list of allergies that my former doctor told me I had. She had totally misread the results that only indicated I reacted to something on that long list - not necessarily to all of them. This however also means I have few ideas about WHAT it is that I react to except for cats, mites (acari) and down feathers. We also know for sure that I am not allergic to potatoes. So now I wait again...

...

Something uplifting - tomorrow I am going to Göteborg to spend some time on fun things; Meeting a marchingfriend, Friday I will be meeting with a 1playerguild-member and Saturday to Sunday I will be taken hostage during the Live Action RolePlay. Collateral Emotions that I wrote about in the last post.

From gallery of busdjur


Meet Nadine Shearer - a conservative Secretary at the made up Migrations Office. She complains about everything loves to tell everyone how bad the world has become so they will awaken from their Naive view of the world. Not to mention she loves telling everyone about her little baby - her german shepard dog Sally. And when the hostage-takers will not let her go home to walk her dog when lunch-break comes they will have one aggressive woman to handle...

I so much look forward to this LARP!

Exchange-wise things are good. Most of the Secret One-participants are doing their job. I have figured out a good approach towards and gift for my T.O.S.S.E.R-target and has begun with the crafting needed for it.

How are everyone else doing? Christmas-preparations are soon upon us. Have you started yet?

J.
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Wed Nov 20, 2019 9:31 pm
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